SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

The moment my wife confessed to having an affair with a coworker was like a dagger was thrust into my heart. Her confession came after the guilt, shame, and the double life she was leading became unbearable for her. My initial feeling was shock, but also relief that the reason behind my wife’s strange behavior was finally out in the open and could be directly confronted. I told her that we could make it through this on the condition that she stopped the affair completely and immediately. She seemed surprised at this, since she had expected me to be glad to have an excuse to get rid of her. My reaction that I’d be willing to give our marriage another chance didnt line up with her expectations on how she thought disclosure would go and the rationalizations she had been making up in her mind in order to justify her betrayal. I was overcome with intense emotions.

What happened next was that I believe she became scared for her personal safety in light of my anger, although I never resorted to violence. She ran into our bathroom and started texting the AP. I took the phone out of her hands to see what was being said. I can’t remember exactly what she had texted him with the exception of the following 7 words which have been indelibly tattooed on the soul of our relationship:

"I love you no matter what happens."

And in those words was a twist of the dagger. The confirmation that she had fallen in love with someone else to a degree that I feel was never once shown to me, and has never since then. I believe that she wrote those words with the thought that there was a possibility that I would end her life out of rage and that those words would be the last romantic words spoken to her lover before she died by the hands of me, the jealous husband.

It’s the sort of thing you say to someone in a life and death crisis, and the sort of thing you mean at the deepest levels of your soul. The depth with which the words were delivered were enormous, and that is what makes them so painful. It’s the kind of meaning and intensity that’s conveyed when you say "I love you" to a loved one on their deathbed, or to your wife or husband as the plane you are on is going down. It’s nowhere close to the routinely casual "I love yous" that are delivered out of habit before we go to bed each night. It’s on a multitude of levels above that in terms of it’s meaning. The extra "no matter what" at the end, can only be taken by me to mean literally that, even after the fog wears off, and even after she says she takes the words back. They can’t be taken back, not ever.

I’ve told her all of this and how I feel about it. I told her I’d like to one day feel the same level of authenticity and intensity when she says she loves me, but it’s impossible. It’s impossible for her to get into that crisis mindset again where the words mean as much as they do. She can act, and she can say the words because I want her to say them. But when she said them to her AP, they were not out of a feeling of obligation. When she says she loves me now, it feels like it’s just to assuage me, and the words always ring hollow.

Makes sense. I don’t think I could stay with someone who said that to another man. For me, I would probably divorce and move on letting her know that the cheating was enough but the words are what cinched it.

You chose to stay. Is it worth it?

[This message edited by Stevesn at 6:36 PM, Wednesday, May 11th]

D day has been over sixteen years ago. You are clearly still tormented. That is a potential consequence every BS faces when deciding to reconcile with a cheater. Your hurt and resentment are deep. I think the best advice I can provide is that you enter counseling with a competent therapist who can address your issues. You may have to go through a number of them to find someone who can truly help you heal. But there will always be a scar. I sincerely hope your wife has rededicated herself to the marriage. If you feel she is simply going through the motions, still dealing with bouts of depression, and generally phoning it in, it is no surprise that you are doubtful of her words. It would be impossible to sufficiently heal if this is the case.

[This message edited by src9043 at 7:50 PM, Wednesday, May 11th]

I can somewhat relate to this gainingclosure. Although my WW’s PA wasn’t "love", I did read some of the messages between the two of them. Made me sick. My WW was at the time, dealing with a lot and felt her AP was being a good friend and listened to her. Objectively, he just wanted a piece of ass, nothing more. My WW felt they were good friends that just happened to screw.

My dday was me snooping on her tablet while she was at work (AP was a coworker and superior, in some respects).

I found an e-mail from her to him that left no possibility of misinterpretation.

The one thing that really stung was a message she sent to her AP, after they slept together and he went "cold".

She went on and on about what a kind, great person he was, and how she didn’t want to be a burden in his life (he went cold after getting what he wanted). After he did this, she went off work due to mental health issues and I think when she reached out to him, he wasn’t nice or kind anymore, he didn’t want to have to deal with her mental health issues.

As I was reading this e-mail, I was confused as I had no context. I was wondering why my WW was mentioning all these thoughts and feelings to someone I didn’t think my WW was close to.

The one line that changed my life was "I’m sorry the sex wasn’t good, all I wanted was to pleasure you, as you sure pleasured me!"

I knew at that moment that my WW had cheated on me with this guy but my mind couldn’t comprehend it. I read it over and over again but I couldn’t believe what I was reading.

Then I searched more and found a video clip sent to the AP by my WW that said "the best I could do" with heart emoji’s……I knew what I would see when I opened it. At that moment, the reality of the situation hit me. It was a surreal few hours after discovery. I wasn’t able to sit still. I had to keep moving, doing dishes, cleaning up, anything I could do, I did. I just wasn’t able to come to terms with it.

I remember walking into my son’s room (9 years old at the time), he was playing on his bed, he looked up at me when I came into the room and smiled at me and said "Hi Dad!. I just sat next to him and hugged him and could barely contain my emotions.

I will never forget that day and how I felt. When my WW came home, she knew something was up. When leaving work, she called me and I simply said "get home now", she of course wanted to pry and figure out what was up as this was totally out of character for me. I repeated what I said and hung up. After dday, she admitted that she knew I had found out.

When she finally admitted she had cheated on me (she also admitted to a ONS prior to marriage), it was like all the air in the room was sucked out. To this day, I can’t adequately describe how I felt. It was likely a panic attack.

This one moment completely changed my life and forever changed how I felt about my WW. We can never go back to how I thought things were between us. I thought we were special, both committed to each other. Completely wrong, and this has changed who I am forever.

I just wanted to chime in and say I can relate and feel your pain.

She may have written that to the OM but that does not mean she really loved him. It’s part of the fantasy and the living in the fog.

The cheaters think they are in love. But all too often it’s really infatuation— not real love. However the cheaters throw that word around like it’s nothing.

Your description of the OM is chilling and scary. It seemed as though your wife was a conquest to him.

I think that those texted words are hard to let go. I understand. My H told me during his affair and demand for D that "I never loved him and married him for other reasons". Tough to hear and tough to get past.

There are no answers here - just sorry you had to read that. No matter what she says or does — you will not "undo" that.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 4:23 AM, Thursday, May 12th]

Makes sense. I don’t think I could stay with someone who said that to another man. For me, I would probably divorce and move on letting her know that the cheating was enough but the words are what cinched it.

You chose to stay. Is it worth it?

Back then, apparently it was. I rationalized it, told myself she didn't really mean it. After all, at that point in time anyway, she was a cheater and cheaters say stuff like that but don't mean it, similar to the wedding vows she took in front of all our family and friends.

This one moment completely changed my life and forever changed how I felt about my WW. We can never go back to how I thought things were between us. I thought we were special, both committed to each other. Completely wrong, and this has changed who I am forever.

She may have written that to the OM but that does y mean she really loved him. It’s part of the fantasy and the living in the fog.

The memory of the betrayal doesn't change for the betrayed. With time, the betrayed learns to live with "the gift."

Time never heals that one special magic moment that happened the day of marriage now sullied by the betrayer.

Yes you can go on living and have a happy life. But there will always be moments, however fleeting, that bring the scar to the conscious thought.

You know, you are allowed to leave for no reason at all. It’s ok. You can change your mind even if she did everything perfectly. Even if she’s a model reformed wayward. You are also allowed to emotionally be distant and separate your heart to protect it.

You can also separate just to get space temporarily. That’s ok, too. Maybe take a week vacation, plan to fake your own death, whatever it takes to give you head space. Or ghost her for a week or more.

All ok.

This is so interesting to me. I just don't think it's so hard to imagine someone making a comment that they felt emotionally connected to at the time, and later realizing they didn't mean it like they thought they did. That's the funny thing about time, isn't it? It flows along and circumstances change, sometimes slowly and sometimes quite fast. Maybe you're not so drunk on your illicit fantasy relationship anymore. Maybe you realize that you've been lying to yourself about some things, but yeah... I've certainly changed my mind in the past on a number of issues after sobering up and I just wasn't all that surprised after dday to find that my fWH had said a whole bunch of stuff he could no longer connect with either.

...I rationalized it, told myself she didn't really mean it. After all, at that point in time anyway, she was a cheater and cheaters say stuff like that but don't mean it...

Why do you believe this is a "rationalization"?? You stayed for 16 years afterward. Did you always think it was a rationalization? Do you doubt the judgment of your own eyes and ears? Have you doubted your ability to determine your fWW's trustworthiness for all that time? Did you really believe that she was lying to you for all those years?

It's really frightening for the first few weeks after dday when you realize that you've been living with this stranger who is capable of doing things that you never dreamed they possibly could. I was actually scared of him for the first few days afterward. And for awhile, you don't trust your own judgment, because after all, you got fooled, right? But in time, confidence returns and you realize that your gut is as good as it ever was, and that if you were to get fooled again, you've got the tools to survive it because you HAVE survived it. Do you still feel like your judgment is not good? If not, why not?

Yuck. Staying and trying to make it work with someone who doesn't love you is awful. I've been there, too, so I know.

[This message edited by morningglory at 4:43 AM, Thursday, May 12th]

This is very personal to me but I want to share it as people have shared their stories. I had breast cancer in 2015 with a mastectomy of my left breast, chemo and radiation. I had very big breasts and it was extremely painful so I got a breast reduction of my right breast. The night before my breast reduction and I had got myself ready with the instructions including putting some stuff on my breast, my wh wanted to have sex with me while I still had this breast and I turned him down because I had done the pre op stuff. My WH changed after that, didn't touch me, didn't want to have sex with me (although he stated that it was me who didn't want him) and didn't look at me. This was 2016 and at the end of the year, I took one of my daughters away on a trip with my insurance money as she wasn't doing so well. March 2017 was dd1 with trickle truth with July 2017 being the full dd2 finding out about affairs, sex workers etc. During dd2 disclosure, I accidently found photos hidden in his phone in a file that he didn't realise had stored them. They were of naked women, scantily dressed woman. One of them had big breasts and was holding her left breast. The breast I no longer had. Amongst the rest of the trauma, this really had an impact on me and I was so, so hurt. WH stated he didn't ask for that pose but I have never really believed him., it just seemed such a bloody coincidence. In 2018, under our public health, I had a reconstruction for me. I am proud of being a cancer survivor and have a lot of acceptance and pride in my body for getting through cancer and post ops and all the horrible drugs I had to take for years. It has taken the extra work to love and accept myself and my body as it is now. I did it myself because no amount of so called remorseful words would help from my WH. We have to trust ourselves and work on our own recovery because that is what we can control and I no longer have that image in my head.

What has struck me over the years and the disclosures, and when I read from other people, is how people in affairs act out and say so much teenage like stuff.

My FWS was no different, her AP wasn't either, and in the end, none of it had any meaning at all, it was all just childish selfish destructive behavior. That goes for the actions and the words.

So much damage and risk and chaos for a few compliments and sneaking around to have sex like teens afraid their parents will catch them?

That is what that sentence sounds like to me when I say it out loud, and that is what it reads like to me when I read it, an immature child like response to the situation.

Yes people in affairs act like teens with their first crush. Love that reference.

It’s not true love — it’s infatuation and fantasy.

And to see my H transform in front of my eyes to someone who was acting like a "cool guy" just makes me

I believe that she wrote those words with the thought that there was a possibility that I would end her life out of rage and that those words would be the last romantic words spoken to her lover before she died by the hands of me, the jealous husband.

I believe THIS is why those 7 words have destroyed you (((HUGS))). Gently...this is YOUR take on those 7 words...and you have made them more than they really might be. It is often said on here...Actions over words. There is a reason for that .

The words that destroyed ME happened the day after Dday when my H told me..."When I would wake up at night and see her laying next to me, I felt like I had won a prize." There were MANY other glowing things my H said about the adultery co-conspirator...but knowing that SHE was "THE prize" CUT me deep .

I knew...from reading on here...that what a Wayward says is NOT what we need to look at...it is their actions. But words MATTER. So I came up with a way for my H to say what he REALLY felt when he got back to REALITY . The story is on page 9 of the "Positive Reconciliation Stories" thread that is pinned at the top of this Forum . This is the short version for those who don't read that story ! I said these words..."When I would wake up at night and see her laying next to me, I felt like I had won a prize, BUT NOW THAT I THINK ABOUT IT...". Then my H finished the sentence in HIS words..."this "prize" that I won was more like an amusement park trinket." He then went on to say THESE words..."She was an amusement park trinket, but YOU are my treasure." To THIS day...when I think of the words he said about the adultery co-conspirator being "THE prize"...I think of a Parish Fair...or County Fair for anyone outside of Louisiana . Cheap...gawdy...breaking trinket that isn't worth winning AT ALL. Then I think of who I am...a TREASURE .

These words have held you hostage long enough Dear Sir (((HUGS))). Don't put YOUR thoughts into your wife's words. She will NEVER be able to compete against those negative thoughts you have built up over something she wrote while her brain was filled with emotion driven chemicals. Find YOUR way of getting closure from this...and then you will heal .

[This message edited by Want2BHappyAgain at 3:02 PM, Thursday, May 12th]

Many of us told other people "I love you" and then the relationship ends. You don’t love them anymore. In fact maybe you never did - you just thought you did.

Same with affairs. Cheaters say all kinds of crap. It’s not all true and it’s not all real. It’s built in a fantasy.

I know it hurts to read. I know it hurts to see. I saw those same words my H wrote to the OW. Funny how every time I said "go be with her" he didn’t seize the opportunity lol.

Guess it wasn’t true love after all 🤪

[This message edited by The1stWife at 2:58 PM, Thursday, May 12th]

"Sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me."

Bullshit. It is a good lesson to teach, but we need to describe the definition of 'hurt' in that phrase.

My first Dday was the discovery of a PA. To me, that is as bad as it gets. I later found this site, and read so many stories about EAs, and how soul-crushing the words from one cheater to another can be. But still, I knew that a PA trumps everything.

On my second Dday, after I found a deleted text thread, my WW immediately said "I love him". My first response, being that I had been on this site for awhile, was to tell her that she didn't, and it was the hype of the affair. She did retract those words a couple of days later, but I can tell you, as I'm typing this, that these words still sting. They can NEVER be unsaid. And the truth of the matter is, that is how she felt at that time. Right or wrong, disillusioned or not, those were the feelings at that time. I'm surprised at myself at how much affect it has had on me. All of my wife's actions for a decade plus before, and a decade after the affair have shown her to be a good partner, but it can not erase the time when she was not.

Some things WS's do could be likened to injecting a permanent pain within their BS's bones. It's so personal in nature that it reaches the deepest part of our literal bodies and remains there.

Some say infidelity kills something in the BS. To me, saying "infidelity kills something within the BS" is too broad. It's more akin to an assassination contracted to be performed in the most painful way possible. Almost as if to make a statement of the contempt someone has for the target. It's not enough to just kill them quickly (like how a D would devastate an unwitting partner).

Maybe that's why it's so awful. It doesn't have the chaotic randomness of being assaulted by a person you don't know. It's not an example or wrong place at the wrong time. It's a targeted assault of precisely who a BS really is at their core.

gainingclosure, you're not wrong to feel the way you do. I can't offer you guidance but I can offer some external validation that you aren't wrong to feel the kind of intimate pain you feel. I hope you can find a way to make progress on digesting the trauma.

[This message edited by NotMyFirstRodeo at 4:23 PM, Friday, May 13th]

It's more akin to an assassination contracted to be performed in the most painful way possible. Almost as if to make a statement of the contempt someone has for the target. It's not enough to just kill them quickly (like how a D would devastate an unwitting partner).

That's a very egocentric way to look at it though, isn't it? What you're saying essentially is that it's not possible for the cheating to be about the cheater, that it has to be about the betrayed partner, and that has just not been my experience.

That's a very egocentric way to look at it though, isn't it?

I wouldn't say "very". I'd say specific. But yes, I agree with you that it's a self-centered description (if we are on the same page). Afterall, I am talking to a BS who is facing a the most personal trauma I think a person can face and it's fair to put a face to the kind of pain he faces. The way he is hurting is specific to him and it's been felt by countless BS's and yet, it's as personal as it gets.

What you're saying essentially is that it's not possible for the cheating to be about the cheater, that it has to be about the betrayed partner, and that has just not been my experience.

If I follow you, I disagree.

It's possible for a cheater to be only thinking of themself and them simultaneously assassinate their BS. They are pretty much as connected as possible given the intimate nature of the topic. It's only in the WS's head that those are different things.

getbusylifving - sort of triggered me - a bit of annoyance

Any "jerk male" who values a woman based on the size of her breasts is - not worth the ink to type the words. Ditch HIM ASAP!

and "Jerk Male" is ANY male who categorizes a woman base solely or ?? on her physical attributes.

NewsFlash: Women have brains and feelings/emotions.

T/J

"best sex" I can recall is with a lady who was an "A" - so what does that matter. Not a FXXX!!! we LIKED each other alot. That is what mattered.

Big boobs? Think of a big baggie full of water. Is that fun to squeeze?

Not enough Visual for you? OK, what about "doggie" ??? where do boobs enter into the "fun" >>> ??

Answer: they don't

anything else (for the males) - find a prostitude - they don't give SXXX what your fetish is.

Apoligies to any offended - except for jerk males who - - Nah - I've posted enough